Why we end up feeling unloved, how it relates to our past, and what we can do to break out of the loveless prison in our minds.

We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love we’re not extending in the present.
~Marianne Williamson

We’ve all been there—feeling lonely, unloved, unwanted. Not only those of us with a history of neglect and abuse, but all of us. We’ve all been injured by rejection and ostracism.

We all have scars from the love we didn’t receive once upon a time.

But do you treat your scars like scars? Do you treat them like past pains that you’ve taken lessons from? Or, do you still feel the neglect, the abuse, the pain, even though the ones that hurt you are no longer around?

This is the most common source of love deprivation—thoughts of the past.

In love deprivation, I have been unloved by others in the past, so I close to love in the present. I did not receive once upon a time, so I will not allow myself to receive now.

The truth is—to feel that nobody loves me is to admit, first and foremost, that I do not love myself.

To tell you that you do not love me is to remind myself that I am not giving love to myself, nor to you.

To say “I feel unloved” is to say “I am afraid of opening up to being hurt.”

As a result of closing myself off, I stop receiving and stop giving. I starve myself of love like someone with anorexia starves herself of food.

The fear that was once a useful defense mechanism eats us alive and keeps us from each other, from ourselves.

And we try to break out of this horrible, isolated loveless prison, but our thoughts say, “If only you give me love, I’ll get out of here”. Thousands of people begging and pleading to be released out of a prison cell that is not locked.

Love is always within reach. And no one needs to give it to you.

The degree to which you believe yourself to be deserving of love is the same degree to which  you will believe others to be deserving of your love. To act out of unconditional love towards another will free you from the prison of your fear.

The only one you’re waiting for is yourself.

Feeling Unloved: “You Don’t Love Me, Nobody Loves Me”

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10 More Comments

  • August 25, 2016 at 2:16 pm
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    I really feel so many people hold onto these “unloveable” parts of themselves. It why I created my class, The Heart Unboxed: How to Love the Unloveable. I’d really love it if you checked it out!

    Reply
    • August 26, 2016 at 10:55 am
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      Yes, we all definitely do hold onto those parts, don’t we? I am glad you’ve created something helpful to the world. I wish you all the best in sharing that with others.

      Reply
  • March 27, 2018 at 2:41 pm
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    The third paragraph describes me. I still feel the pain of those who hurt me even now. For nearly 24 years of my adult life I have been alone.

    Reply
    • March 28, 2018 at 12:29 pm
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      I’m sorry you’re still in pain. I know what it’s like to hurt long after a trauma. It makes everything harder, and it makes happiness so fleeting. I can’t promise that the healing process will be quick or easy. It’s long, painful, and uncomfortable. But not healing is the same. At least, with healing, we can get something out of it. I have faith that you can begin to heal these wounds. You deserve it. <3

      Reply
  • March 28, 2018 at 4:39 pm
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    This is like the most acurate, logical and, at the same time, emotional analysis of this feeling. I couldn’t agree more, it justifies the need for people to be positive and to spread love for its intrinsic value, that of healing and keeping your own soul alive. I’ve been through some disappointments myself, but I still believe my life is going to be great and no matter the drawbacks, I am sure I will be loved, exactly the way I love others. Thanks for sharing this with us!

    Reply
    • March 29, 2018 at 5:09 pm
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      Thank you for being here, Cristina. It really is hard to open up again after disappointments. The innocence we reclaim after heartbreak is nothing like the innocence we have before it. But in some ways, I think reclaimed innocence is better. It’s wiser. And most importantly, it’s earned. Closing down to love after experiences of hurt is automatic. Choosing to open up and heal: those are choices we make. There is some honour in that.

      Reply
  • April 19, 2018 at 5:17 pm
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    I don’t have friends, the ones i had in past left me alone. I have tried to make new ones but that doesn’t work. I am not that open to my parents that i share my personal feelings. No one wants to hear me out. This makes me lonely and sad.

    Reply
    • April 20, 2018 at 12:28 pm
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      I hear you. It’s hard to feel like you’re alone and that no one wants to hear you out. By the same token, these days could be the most formative of your entire life. When everyone abandoned me, I felt lonely too. Not only lonely, but angry, self-destructive, anxious. Really, I was never alone. I was always with myself, and to be honest, I wasn’t very good company. So I started working on building a better relationship with myself. Now, I can spend days alone and not feel lonely. I listen to myself. I give myself the love no one else can. I think these are hard days you are going through, but precious ones. If you can learn to feel loved alone in an empty room, you will be free. Not only will you be free from the pain of self-neglect, but you will also be free to truly love others without needing them to treat you in some specific way. That is real freedom.

      Reply
  • May 19, 2018 at 3:57 pm
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    No one will ever love me for who I am or see me for who I am ever!

    No matter how nice, friendly or positive I am, that’s still not good enough for anyone that I know,. They need me to be someone else. They go only by what they think they see, instead of what they know. But, they don’t know me because they won’t even give me the slightest chance to prove myself. I talk about positive things, but even that’s not good enough for them.

    I wish I could find someone who really wants to care about me.

    Reply
    • May 22, 2018 at 1:41 pm
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      You can find someone like that. She’s in the mirror. No one else will ever be enough until she’s enough. You have to start with yourself. We all do. Love begins within.

      Reply

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